Meet the Cast of ‘Ibiza Shore’ (Kinda)

MTV recently announced a reinvention of the best show they ever made, and no, it’s not Next or the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. It’s Jersey Shore, and it’s about time, because I’ve suffered the loss of drunk, orange-munchkin smooshing for so long, I started to have bouts of responsibility. Gross.

What’s the twist? The party is moving from the depressing banality of New Jersey to the glitz of EDM’s pinnacle island paradise: Ibiza. It’s called Ibiza Shore, and I’ve already prepped my DVR.

Ibiza’s local officials are not as pumped as I or the would-be cast members, as they’re trying to stop the show before it can ever be filmed. Thankfully, the power of MTV is pretty unstoppable, and honestly, if they’ll let Paris Hilton have a residency, how much trashier could it possibly get? Let’s imagine what the cast might look like, and pray to the BPM gods.

Ibiza Snooki

Name: Gabriela, but she can be “Garbie” for short. It’s a play on “Barbie,” mostly because she’s 80 percent plastic.
Age: 21
From: Brazil
Listens to: Major Lazer, DJ Snake, Krewella, and anything with a jackin’ beat.
Favorite club: Boat parties, clearly. I mean, duh.
The lowdown: She’s loud. She’s proud. She’s a walking explosion. She’s the real-deal star of the show, and we don’t even have to say her name. She’s a walking stereotype, but you can’t help but wanna hug her, and the Ibiza Snooki will be no different. She’s a beautiful mess, and she’s low on self-esteem, but she knows how to command a room and appear larger than life.

Ibiza Mike “The Situation”

Name: Stijn
Age: 28
From: Holland
Listens to: David Guetta, Jack Ü, Steve Aoki
Favorite club: Pacha, because it’s the oldest and most famous club on the island. Pay your respects, children.
The lowdown: This guy is the oldest, and therefore he thinks he’s king of the castle. “The Situation” always felt like the glue holding the house together, even though he was one of the hottest live-wires on the scene. It’s a self-imposed reign, although he is a kind dictator and everyone pretty much loves him just the same. In Ibiza, we’re talking about the guy that’s basic, but loveable. He’s Dutch, which explains that pretty much, and also lends him that air of ownership.

Ibiza Pauly D

Name: Christopher
Age: 23
From: UK
Listens to: He’s got the whole Beatport chart in his back pocket, bro. Try to stump him.
Favorite club: Amnesia, because this is the quintessential Ibiza experience, and if he hangs around long enough, he’ll get his shot. Hey, they let Paris Hilton play there.
The lowdown: Back in England, Ibiza Pauly D is the coolest DJ in the city. So what if that city isn’t London? And so what if his residency is at his mom’s pub? Those geezers can’t wait to hear his latest mashup while they guzzle the pints, and they let him know. Clubbing isn’t just a hobby. It’s a way of life, and just like American Pauly D, this guy was born for this. Ibiza Shore is his big break, and he’s going to milk this show for all it’s worth. You can make fun of him all you want, but he’s the one laughing all the way to the bank.

Ibiza JWOWW

Name: Natalia
Age: 26
From: Romania
Listens to: Carl Cox, Tale of Us, Maceo Plex
Favorite club: Spac, because the party never has to end, and the bass is just so real, you have no choice but to surrender to the groove.
The lowdown: From a distance, she seems deep and classy, but get too close and you’ll see she’s a bottle rat just like her ratchet best friend. JWOWW just needs a few drinks in her to get the real party started, and once it begins, that party won’t stop until the sunset after next. For the Ibiza season, producers grab a gem of the Eastern Europe techno scene. She’s got a deadly, mesmerizing glare, and she’s really an important asset. How else would the cast convince a dumb man with a giant boat to let them all come and party?

Ibiza Vinny

Name: Jose
Age: 27
From: Spain
Listens to: Plastikman, Seth Troxler, Damian Lazarus
Favorite club: “U” Underground, because it’s cheap, it’s local, and it’s hard to find.
The lowdown: Vinny is the smart, mild-mannered one of the bunch. He has plans to go to law school. He’s a self-identified Guido, but he’s self-aware. “The Situation” might be the leader, but Vinny is really the rock holding the house down. The Ibiza version would have to be a local, and in that way, he’s not carried away by the insanity of it all—though the idea of letting loose and having fun is just a part of his nature.

Ibiza Sammi

Name: Ashley
Age: 22
From: United States
Listens to: Kaskade, Above & Beyond, Armin van Buuren
Favorite club: Ushuaia, because you can catch the world’s biggest DJs while day-drinking by the pool.
The lowdown: Sammi is the “sweetheart,” even though she’s still kind of a bitch. The Ibiza version is actually just a festival junkie plucked from the States and brought overseas. This woman looks fantastic, and she knows it; she wants nothing more than to get blasted and show it off. Just don’t touch her, or her boyfriend will kick your ass.

Ibiza Ronnie

Name: Jack
Age: 23
From: Australia
Listens to: Hardwell, Tiësto, deadmau5
Favorite club: Ushuaia, because girls in bikinis.
The lowdown: Just like in Jersey, Ibiza Ronnie is a big hunk of man-meat hiding a sensitive, tender soul. He immediately falls in love with the cute PLUR princess, Ashley, and for the rest of the show he runs around jealously eyeing bozos or flaunting his bad taste in glittery apparel. He’s a simple man with simple desires and a very complex gym schedule.

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