A Light That Never Fades: A Military Raver Story

Angry, quiet, closed off, depressed, resentful, regretful, antisocial… alcoholic. Three years ago, this was me. I was replaying the dark memories from the past four years I’d spent in the United States Marine Corps. Now, don’t get me wrong: There were definitely good memories, and I will never forget the days I spent with my squad, the Roughnecks, and some of the silly and quite absurd stunts we pulled to try to pass the days until we were home with loved ones again. However, the darker memories are what stuck with me the most.

February 1, 2010, and March 11, 2010: These days will forever be solidified in my mind. So many words spun through my head. I would tell myself things to inflict more pain, as if I were addicted to it: “It should have been me instead of them.” “Why did they die, and I’m still alive?” “Why do I deserve to live?” I would drink and cry myself to sleep every night, filled with regret and anger. Like my two friends killed in combat, so many others paid the ultimate price. Yet here I sit, worthless—and still alive.

The Roughnecks

This is who I was three years ago. I closed everyone off, I hated the world, and I was surrounded by darkness. Further and further down the hole I went, until I couldn’t handle it anymore and lashed out on the people who cared for me the most. Instead of love, my mother and sister feared me, feared the dark person that remained after I had been away for four years.

After I saw the fear I put in my family, I stopped. I got myself help. I spent a year going through therapy, picking up the pieces of the mess I was in. During this time, I took a trip to Boston for a video game convention and took a chance socializing with others. I went to one of the events for the convention, which ended up becoming my very first rave and the moment I discovered rave culture.

I have served in Afghanistan, one of the most dangerous countries on the planet, and seeing that and losing my friends almost broke my faith in humanity. Then I stumbled upon the world of dance music and was absolutely stricken with shock. I wanted to break down and cry because I was so happy.

The lights, the music, the people, the goosebumps I got from the beat, the excitement, the positivity—it was absolutely addicting! I didn’t want it to end. I went alone, but I left with so many new friends. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could be myself with no fear. All the dark memories, all the guilt and pain, it all went away. I had the time of my life and knew I had to experience it again, so I looked further into the culture.

From trance to deep house, I discovered more and more electronic music. I went to shows such as Electric Run, Life in Color, and then finally last year to Ultra Music Festival. The culture has welcomed me with open arms, and from the moment I experienced my first rave in Boston to now being four days away from my first EDC Las Vegas, it has been a wild ride. People from home ask why I like the music and why I spend money on it. My answer is simple: the culture.

See Also: On the Road to Recovery

I have experienced the Peace in the atmosphere, the Love among complete strangers, the Unity of such large numbers for one cause, and the Respect for one another, regardless of background. This embodies PLUR, something so many ravers live by.

All my life, I looked for a place where I belonged. I was the kid in school who was alone, who pretended to be someone I wasn’t, just to try and fit in. At raves, I don’t need to do that. I’m free from all my pain, all the guilt, and all the anger. Raving is one of the lights in my life that I know will never fade, that I can always grab and hold on to tightly if the darkness tries to surround me again. The beat heals my soul and brings me happiness that I cannot find anywhere else. I am grateful every single day that I found this music and this culture. I found my utopia, my paradise. This is something worth living for.

Today, I am a completely different person from who I was three years ago. I am no longer in therapy, I have not been drunk since February 2014, and I no longer spend my days drinking myself to sleep in regret. I am finishing my associate’s degree at Tunxis Community College and will be transferring to UCONN to earn my bachelor’s degree. Afterward, I plan to enroll in medical school to become a psychiatrist and help other combat veterans like myself as they transition home. I am president of the Veterans Club at my school, have picked up gloving as a hobby, and am involved with multiple EDM and gloving Facebook groups.

Electronic dance music has transformed my life; it has given me a sanctuary to escape to. It has taught me life lessons I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I will also pass them along to others like myself to let them know there is a place out there for those of us who cannot find a place. There is such a place where there is nothing but pure positivity. This will be my first EDC, and it’s more than just a party for me—this is my pilgrimage. Even though I travel alone, I know I will be among friends Under the Electric Sky.

Want to hang out with Nelson at EDC Las Vegas? Connect with him on Facebook.