Which DJ’s Haunted House Would Be the Scariest?

The witching season is upon us, and Halloween is coming up quick, which got us wondering: Which DJ would host the scariest haunted house? While Zeds Dead, RL Grime, Gaslamp Killer and the Magician all have the names to pull it off, we believe the following DJs would host some truly mind-bending haunts.

Scared? Us too. Let’s go.

The DJ: Skrillex

The Haunted House: Located in a dank warehouse in a sketchy part of Downtown Los Angeles, Skrillex’s Alien Ride of Horrors is not suitable for just any fainthearted bro. Upon entry, your ears are pummeled by the sound of a thousand chainsaws (actually the new OWSLA release produced exclusively for this event). You are disoriented. You are blinded by flashing lights. You are surrounded by a legion of thin, ghetto-goth scene chicks and pale zombie boys in Massiv crew-neck sweatshirts. They all straight-up ignore you. No one shows up in the pictures the roving party photographer is taking, and when you post on Instagram, it gets zero likes. You leave, disoriented and dehydrated, with an unclear perception of how much time has passed or even what planet you’re on. None of this is all that different from attending an actual Skrillex show.
The Soundtrack: You’d think it’d be the Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites EP, but no—it’s “The Devil’s Den” on repeat for all eternity.
The Scariest Part: When you arrive and the doorman momentarily can’t find your name on the guest list.

The DJ: Knife Party

The Haunted House: This haunted house is literally just like it sounds: a party, with knives! The haunted house from this aggressive-as-fuh Australian duo is designed like a regular club show, except that random members of the audience are carrying concealed machetes, daggers, serrated blades, dull butter knives and homemade shanks. Also, everyone gets a Four Loko I.V. upon entry. Altogether, it is a thrilling dancefloor experience that, depending on who you end up grinding on during “Bonfire,” might turn hella stabby at the drop. What suspense!
The Soundtrack: You’d think it’d be the Haunted House EP, but no—it’s an unauthorized version of the duo’s Abandon Ship album, which comes out on November 10.
The Scariest Part: How pissed Knife Party is about their album leaking.

The DJ: deadmau5

The Haunted House: deadmau5 literally just invites people over to his house and then tweets about them condescendingly until they break down crying and flee the scene.
The Soundtrack: You’d think it’d be “Ghosts ‘n’ Stuff,” but no—it’s “Raise Your Weapon.” And in this case, that weapon is an iPhone and a social media following of millions.
The Scariest Part: How much therapy you’ll require to repair the psychological damage from a tweet calling you an “untalented asshat with a mediocre face” getting like, 500 retweets.

The DJ: Martin Garrix

The Haunted House: Lil’ Marty Garrix’s Spooky Petting Zoo is home to snakes, rats, tarantulas, mangy dogs and one uncaged velociraptor, because Martin Garrix is a rich and famous teenager who can have anything he wants—including dinosaurs, dammit. Attendees are transported through the menagerie on a nightclub VIP lounge on wheels, bottle girls dressed in sexy safari outfits included. Much like Garrix’s music, this scenario is sort of enjoyable, but due to the fencing constructed to keep the animals from mauling anyone, it lacks any sort of dangerous edge.
The Soundtrack: You’d think it’d be “Animals,” but… oh wait, it’s “Animals.”
The Scariest Part: Hearing “Animals” for the 700,000th time.

The DJ: The Ghost of Swedish House Mafia

The Haunted House: Taking place in a huge, open field located in some dark, outer realm of purgatory, SHM’s Haunted Progressive House features the ghosts of Axwell, Steve Angello and Sebastian Ingrosso at their peak, before they got too famous and stopped liking each other. This show is glorious. You sob uncontrollably, but only because you’re so happy. The terror rises, however, with your slowly dawning realization that this is one last reunion show that never ends. You cannot leave. There is, in fact, no antidote. You’re forever stuck in the EDM twilight zone, dancing and jumping and throwing up heart shapes with your hands until your muscles are weak and all of your glowsticks have gone dim, as off in the distance, a confetti cannon fires in perpetuity.
The Soundtrack: You’d think it’d be “Don’t You Worry Child,” but it’s just a bunch of tracks from the guys’ post-SHM projects 🙁
The Scariest Part: How much you miss Swedish House Mafia.

The DJ: Borgore

The Haunted House: Borgore’s trailer after his set. The place is littered with empty liquor bottles, and there are so many girls twerking in here that it makes a sort of vast ass gauntlet. You find this daunting.
The Soundtrack: You’d think it’d be “Unicorn Zombie Apocalypse,” but it’s “Ratchet.” That song does make us sort of fear for the future though, so this works just fine.
The Scariest Part: What your parents will do when they find out where you are and what you have been doing.

The DJ: Steve Aoki

The Haunted House: Taking place in an abandoned Benihana (naturally, as Steve’s dad founded the restaurant franchise) off the interstate, Steve Aoki’s Supernatural Cake Buffet starts out innocuously, with a crowd of self-important, neon-clad hipsters sitting down for champagne and slices of the biggest sheet cake ever baked. The vibe soon goes bizarro, however, with the most aggressive assault of cake and champagne ever orchestrated. It’s like Dessert Storm (get it?). You’ve soon got cake up your nose and in your eyes and earholes. You are discombobulated, disgustingly sticky, and twitchy from all the sugar ingestion. What’s worse is that the cake doesn’t even taste that good, and all the champagne has gone flat.
The Soundtrack: You’d think it’d be “Emergency,” “Rage the Night Away” or “Free the Madness,” but obviously, it’s the “Pursuit of Happiness” remix.
The Scariest Part: How many hungry people all that wasted cake could feed.